Recently, an anonymous parent reached out to a giant parent listserv that I am a part of asking for resources on being a body positive parent. I got very excited and jotted down a mini novel to post to the group. Right away, I heard from three other parents who were thankful for the suggestions and resources, so I wanted to share here, too.
While I do have some issues with they way “body positivity” has been co-opted by white supremacy and capitalism, I still think it can be a useful entry point into the deeper work of social justice and true radical activism. Fighting fat phobia needs to be done at a macro level with society at large, just as systemic racism needs to be dismantled by all avenues of society. AND. We can and must do this work at home, too.
Body size on its own has very little bearing on health. Weight stigma and fat phobia, just like all other micro-aggressions, lead to poorer health outcomes. Much as we like to pretend that our health is in our control, only about 30% of our health can be impacted by the lifestyle choices we make. Genetics, socioeconomic status, living location, chronic stress, trauma, access to health care, family history, etc etc etc are all much greater predictors of health outcomes than weight. Period.
You can not dramatically change your body size and shape. Putting a child on a diet will almost guarantee that that child will end up at a heavier set point than they would have been at, which sets them up for more weight cycling over their lifetime. Postponing your child’s first weight loss attempt as long as possible is an important goal for parents. (For more on this, please watch this from Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD) Let me say this again: weight loss attempts DO NOT work in reducing body weight in the long term, for you or child.
So, knowing that you are trying to keep your child from attempting weight loss or restricting food, I think it’s important that your child’s innermost adults are on board with weight-neutrality. No one makes comments about other people’s bodies, no one talks about good foods/bad foods, no one equates food and/or body size with morality. If someone does make a body comment about anyone, you reinforce your boundary that “we don’t discuss bodies.” We’ve had to have some conversations with people who talk to our kids about labeling foods “healthy” as my 4 year old will sometimes ask if things are healthy when we’re eating them. I explain that all foods have value, some help our bodies grow in certain ways, some are just to bring us pleasure, some are to help celebrate, some help our teeth be strong, etc. And that even foods that help us grow aren’t healthy to eat non-stop all the time-I love broccoli, but that’s definitely not all I eat all day!
At home, you can talk a lot about trusting your body and trusting her body. If she wants more food, you can remind her to check in with her tummy and if her tummy says she’s still hungry, you can affirm that and remind her that you trust her body to tell her when she’s hungry and when she’s full. Same thing with feeling tired, that she has to go the bathroom, cranky, shy, sad, snuggly, angry etc etc-affirming the messages of her body teaches her to trust her body in all avenues. Avoid restriction, and affirm that there is enough food to eat. I repeat “there’s plenty more” all the time, because I’ve noticed that my kids will eat a lot more french fries, for example, if they think there are only a few more and they can’t have it again. If I reassure them that there are plenty, they are better able to listen to their bodies, know when they’re satisfied, and often leave them on the plate.
I think it’s important to have books/media at home that showcases a variety of bodies. We LOVE the Jessica Love books Julian is a Mermaid and Julian at the Wedding and Grace Byers I Am Enough. Because my older daughter is 9, we also have a lot of puberty books and my 4 year old also loves Love Your Body by Jessica Sanders, which is really for older kids, but I skip the parts that are more directly for adolescents and it’s really beautiful for little ones. There are suggestions in the book for ways that you can feel good about your body, which are great for YOU to put into practice, too. (Incidentally, Sonya Renee Taylor has a *phenomenal* puberty book called Celebrate Your Body that I highly recommend starting at age 7/8). We also watch shows with a variety of bodies and cultures and, I’m not going to lie, we watch ALL of Lizzo’s live performances.
I repeat “bodies come in all shapes and sizes and colors” like 1000 times every day. It dovetails nicely with “there are so many ways to make a family” which is another thing we say all the time, so I’m hoping it’ll sink in that everything is a variation of normal.
The most impactful thing for me personally was the decision I made as soon as my older child was born that she would NEVER hear me make a negative comment about my body. In order to make that happen, I had to never say negative things about my body. What’s been so interesting to me is that in the 9 years that I’ve kept to that rule, I feel so much better about my body. I think a lot of people (women in particular) use self-deprecation as social currency; it’s so common to get together with friends and talk about what diet we’re on, how much weight we’ve gained, etc and I think that is overall very damaging. Making a concerted effort to not do that has done wonders for my own body image. It’s helped me to be super intentional about talking about it with my daughters.
Books for YOU the parent to read are The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, Body Respect by Lindo Bacon and Lucy Aphramor, Radical Belonging by Lindo Bacon, Intuitive Eating (4th edition only!) by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I also highly recommend Hunger by Roxane Gay and Heavy by Keise Laymon.